love. <3
time will tell.
- Things have been really rough lately in my head. I have been extremely discombobulated and frustrated. I feel completely alone. I am making mistakes left and right and falling into what I never wanted to fall into. I don’t know what to think, I don’t know how to act. I have no motivation.
- You were a huge part of my drive. I dream about you every single night. Whether you be showing up at my doorstep or walking off a bus or plane. I’m disgusted with myself and how I always let myself trust and fall for you. I don’t know why I let you get to me the way you do.. but I’m not doing it anymore.
And if you chose to walk away, I’d still be right here waiting for you.
- Not anymore. If you want me, come and get me. The day you actually show up on my doorstep is the day I will CONSIDER putting any sort of trust into you ever again. Until then, it’s goodbye. Don’t come back to me months from now and think it’s gonna be okay, because you’ve pushed me too far. I’m movin’ on to somethin’ better. No more tryin’ to make it work.
- I have put a lot of thought into this and have decided to just dive in and see what happens. With someone who actually deserves my time and energy… I have faith.. and so does he <3
- I have an evaluation/interview thing at court on Friday for my probation officer to figure out what type of ‘alcoholic’ I am. Lol, I’m sorry, that just makes me laugh. I had to take a 130 question exam on my life and how I feel about it and now they’re going to decide what kind of punishment I need to fix my ‘problem’. I’m 19 years old, so I drink on occasion. Who doesn’t? I’m not an alcoholic. Gahhh, it baffles me.
- This semester has been HORRIBLE. With everything going on I have missed so much and have fallen so far behind that I don’t even know what my grades look like— that’s how often I come to class. And I don’t even miss class just because.. I either have court, have to drug test, or have an emergency that has come up. Why these issues have to fall on the ONLY two days I attend school, is beyond me. I’m actually in class now, of course not paying attention, obv. But it’s about to be out, so lets rap this up. I don’t know if anyone even reads these posts.. I just feel better now that I got my thoughts and anger out and organized somewhere. Good afternoon.
Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love. But in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again.
It’s nice to smile when I get your phone call at night
But I’d rather have you here with me, right next to me; I miss the way you hold me tight
But I’d rather have you here with me, right next to me; I miss the way you hold me tight
“
Girls are like
apples on trees. The best
ones are at the top of the tree.
The boys don’t want to reach for
the good ones because they are afraid
of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they
just get the rotten apples from the ground
that aren’t as good, but easy. So the apples
at the top think something is wrong with
them, when in reality, they’re amazing.
They just have to wait for the right
boy to come along, the one
who’s brave enough
to climb
all the way
to the top
of the tree.
“
todaywasinteresting.
I should be happy. So many good things have happened today.
- Court went surprisingly well, better than I could have ever expected.
- I went out for coffee with my Daddy, and he’s doing great. It’s so nice to have him back in my life.
- I got two job offerings and I’m really excited about those.
But something is missing. I feel empty today and I can’t exactly pinpoint why. I feel like you build me up just to break me down. I don’t feel good. I haven’t been able to eat right these past few days. I either can’t ever get enough, or I feel too sick to eat. I’ve been super anxious lately, too. I get really nervous and constantly have butterflies. Why for? I don’t know.
I’m rambling about whatever comes to mind right now because I need to vent. I love having my bed to myself, but I miss Tara in it every night. I have trouble sleeping knowing she’s not safe next to me.
— You’re trying to get under my skin right now and it’s driving me crazy. I’m sorry. What do you want me to do.
And You, you make me nervous. You’ve been the best part of my day lately.. but I don’t trust you. I’m scared.
I had a drive and motivation— but where did it go? Why am I still waiting for something that isn’t going to happen? I want out of here. I need a vacation. This is ridiculous. I want to scream.
I’m not always as confident as I seem. There are many nights and many days when all I want is to be held. I love being held. Always. Sometimes I don’t want to talk about what is bothering me. Sometimes I just want a hug; someone who will let me cry. I like when people aren’t afraid to show what they’re really feeling. I don’t like when people run from their true feelings because it doesn’t do anyone any good. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I am not naive. I know what it feels like to be completely broken and I am all too familiar with what it means to be hurt. I know what it’s like to see something funny and not laugh. I’ve been taken advantage of, used, and abused. My feelings have been blatantly disregarded. But I still believe that all people are good at heart, and my trust in people has not diminished. To be completely honest, I hope it never does. Ever.
“
